First of all, I'd like to thank all who included my family in their thoughts and prayers concerning our shock yesterday. Much of The Family is gathering in Arkansas now, and we're assuming a visitation and funeral are in the works; obviously, though, since my cousin's death was unexpected and out-of-the-blue, plans are sketchy even at this time. As of yet, we still do not know what happened to him; but again, thank you for your thoughts.
As I posted yesterday, this is a tragedy that has only hit me indirectly. I am not close to any of my cousins, nor much of my extended family. I'm something of a Black Sheep, especially on my father's side - for, if my homosexuality is not known (or at least suspected) on their part, there are other wrongs-I-have-wronged and life-choices-I-have-made that conflict largely with the teachings and traditions of The Family. Granted, my parents and sister are ever supportive, ever loving. But, in many cases, I'm a stranger, at best, to the rest of my kin.
Hence, it should come as no surprise, especially to my closest friends out there, that I am not going to Arkansas to attend my cousin's funeral. It is an abrupt tragedy that has affected me, though I know I will not help the grieving process by going. The distance between Washington and Arkansas is one factor - my aforementioned status as Black Sheep is another. I know that I will not dishonor Samuel's memory; and, ironically, I know I will lessen the pain of the loss by staying put. My parents and sister, who are en route as I type, will represent me. I spent yesterday and today discussing this issue extensively with them, and they are in agreement and (as always) supportive. My heart goes out to The Family as a whole, particularly to my aunt, uncle, and Samuel's sister. But my feet are best planted in Seattle soil.
The most unsettling part of this whole ordeal has been speaking to my parents (particularly my mother) on the phone. I've heard her say time and again that it is against "all Natural Order" for a parent to bury a child. That is the only instance I've ever been able to recall in which she invokes the existence of a pre-set "natural law," or inherent way of being. A Natural Existence. And now, hearing her say it, and having it apply to her brother-in-law's family (yes, I know, soon to be ex-brother-in-law's family; but the divorce process hasn't formally begun yet; and mom has known Samuel's father - my uncle - since he was five. Mom is going down their at my father's request, and the goodness of her own soul.)... well, I can tell it really hits her. I wonder if she's fearing that she may have to face such a scenario someday. She hopes not; I hope not. Hell, I'd love to avoid having anyone go through it. But still, hearing her give the same "against all Natural Order" speech, only this time with unholy pauses in between words, or cracks in her voice... well, it hits me deep in the stomach.
Anyway, I am staying put in Seattle, as I can be no help in this process. I suppose I am destined to have unorthodox views in regards to The Family. But, I am doing what I feel is prudent, holding down my fort here, and doing what my parents have always urged me to do when sudden events like this strike: push on. Move on with life. Continue (changed, if necessary) - alert, sensitive, engaged, fulfilled.
Thus, I am doing just that: after a restless night of sleep, I got up for lab meeting, muddled through it, and am back to Yao Labbery... right where I left off. Change is necessary (I'm still, after all, trying to remember the first time I held Samuel as a baby), but so is continuity.
On a side note, I apologize for the downtrodedness of this post, and my previous post. I consider this website a format for my thoughts; or at least, the ones I wish to reveal to the world-at-large (or my small readership). These have been my thoughts recently, and so... well, there you have it. I'll be back to "James normal" soon. Promise.
Posted by James at November 12, 2003 04:39 PM