April 08, 2004
Apathy Cream
A recent post from the ever-enthralling-and-inspiring Adam (yes, that is your title, Hooker) has thankfully reminded me of one of my favorite Dilbert comics ever... and its relevance to my current situation.
Asok, the overly-abused-but-could-be-cute-in-real-life intern, is given just one too many assignments... and snaps - falling into a pseudo-catatonic state known as "the hardening." [Alright people, have your laugh now... let's keep this post rated G and above-the-waist.] The solution to mental and physical rigidity?... Apathy cream - applied numbly by post-hardened co-workers Dilbert and Wally - soaks through Asok's skin, allowing him to work again... only this time with no perfectionist streak, no desire to succeed or advance, and the basic indifference that has become the American Way.
Man, too bad apathy cream isn't sold over-the-counter.
Anyone close to me knows that work lately has made me snap a few too many times. I make mistakes time and again - experiments fail, procedures lag, and don't even get me started on PCR contamination! [Forgive me... that was a science term.] Maybe there's a little bit of perfectionist in me, but I'm just not accustomed to persistent failure of this magnitude. My labmates shrug it off as, "Well, this happens in research." But, they all have perfectionist streaks that would put mine to shame, intellect that would curl my hair (I suppose you have to see my hair to appreciate that comment), and drive akin to Warp Factor 9... and, I've never seen them screw something up... at least to the extend that I have.
I'm trying not to care about my stalled work... that is, I'm trying to prevent it from "getting to me." Keeping it from ruining the rest of my day. But lately, I've wondered if I can make it in this field. Granted, my surroundings here are high above my intellectual abilities (that is, if I did go to grad school for molecular biology, I'd find a school and program below the level of the Hutch... something more appropriate for my education, background, experience, and mental abilities) - so just because I can't "make it" at the Hutch doesn't mean I can't "make it" anywhere in biology. But, as Zach points out persistently (and as two other friends of mine said recently), there are other fields out there I can pursue and seem as interested in (or more interested in) than biology - take paleontology, for example. So, there are options out there for me. But, that requires GRE scores, applications, and a good deal of commitment (as a friend of mine going to get her M.D./Ph.D. said to me the other day: "James, to go to grad school in this field, we really need to be dedicated... I mean, we have to take a $10,000 paycut for the next 6-8 years, work longer hours, and take a benefits cut going to the student health plan!... But, in the end, you learn a ton, possibly become famous, and they get to call you Dr. James.").
For now, I still have this nearly day-by-day struggle against constant snapping. Asok-in-overdrive. Even two of my most overachieving labmates are starting to worry (though two others think it's the funniest thing they've ever seen). With a little degree of mental conditioning, a lot of music (the Game Boy earphones are practically an intricate part of my ears now), and a generous degree of help from many of my friends have helped me lately. I just hope I can push through this Syndrome-of-F*cking-Up without ending up like Asok. Unfortunately, there's no apathy cream available to keep my personal drive at bay.
That said, I know I will survive. A technician in the lab across from me, who's as down-to-Earth as I'd love to be, reassured me yesterday that he went through the same thing his first year at the Hutch. He and I are quite different (he likes girls, cars, and being buff) - but I was reassured beyond description that he got through his "hardening" (yes, we're still keeping this above-the-waist)... and he promised me that I'd live - and live well.
Bottom Line: this whole situation (which has been building up since before my vacation a few weeks ago) has taught me Two Things...
Thing One: I need to calm down, trust myself a little more, worry a little less, and hurry-the-hell-up-and-take-those-GREs.
Thing Two: No matter what happens, I'm lucky (so-very-lucky) to have so much unconditional support from my friends. Without them, only an apathy cream face mask could save me... as long as I remember to poke air holes through it.