How to Kill a Bee:
1. Open your window without lowering the screen. (Obviously, since you didn't let the bee in kindly when it knocked.)
2. Allow bee to fly in the room, and then collapse on the floor (Emperor-supplication style) in a fit of bee-induced panic.
3. Allow your mortal fear of being stung to consume you and obliterate all rational thought.
4. Crawl (still Emperor-supplication style) across the floor and grab an old issue of The Economist.
5. Scream a lot. Interjections of, "Oh sh*t!" make for shameful memories later.
6. Roll said magazine up, and make feeble swings no higher than two feet above the ground (still Emperor-supplication style, remember?), realizing with each swing that the bee is furiously buzzing seven feet above you near the ceiling.
7. Wait and see where the bee stops.
8. While waiting, contemplate crawling back across the room to call your boyfriend and ask him what to do.
9. Realize, halfway to the phone, that your boyfriend will laugh and say, "Emperor-supplicatoin style? Is that where you're flat on the floor, crawling with elbows up and pushing yourself along pathetically with your toes?! What a riot!" and then offer no comforting words of advice.
10. Notice that the bee has landed on a ceiling light fixture to laugh at you.
11. Commence throwing dirty clothes (by now you are by the hamper [which is a great two-syllable word, by the way]) up at the fixture to encourage the bee to take off again and get whacked.
12. Each time the bee is dislodged, commence waving the rolled-up issue of The Economist again, straining yourself to reach two-and-a-half feet above the floor.
13. When you run out of dirty clothes to throw, crawl around and collect them across the room, forming a new pile to throw.
14. Get mad, recalling that the bee is probably laughing at you, and throw your favorite pajama pants at it with all the strength of your soul.
15. Cheer when you realize you've succeeded in dislodging the bee.
16. Yelp when you realize you've succeeded too well, for the bee is now barrelling towards you.
17. For the second time in your life, swing a makeshift bat with confidence.
18. For the first time in your life, hit the target with that makeshift bat.
19. Watch the bee hit your other window, momentarily stunning it against the glass.
20. Leap up, for victory is near!
21. Pause momentarily, as rising up too quickly has left you dizzy and disoriented. You're gettin' old, man.
22. Makeshift bat/The Economist in hand, deliver the death blow.
23. Examine the corpse. Realize it's really a yellowjacket. (Don't forget to puff up that chest, manly man.)
24. Fling the corpse out of the window.
25. Turn around and promptly trip over the pile of dirty clothes you'd previously formed for a second assault on the bee (see Step #13).
26. Buy a flyswatter.
(For the record, I've completed steps 1 through 25.)
Posted by James at April 20, 2005 07:04 PM