It all started at around midnight last night. I woke up (or, at least, I'm pretty sure I woke up) to Zach tapping me furiously on the shoulder. As is usual when one interrupts me in the midst of a REM cycle, I was disoriented and groggy...
Me: "What? What is it?!"
Zach, indicating to the clock: "See? It's both upstream and downstream!"
Me: "Huh?"
Zach, suddenly very serious: "Go back to sleep, James."
Me: "What? What are you talking about?"
Zach: "Go back to sleep."
Me, suddenly full of panic: "But I don't understand!"
Zach: "Go back to sleep."
Perhaps the whole situation, or part of it, was a dream. Perhaps Zach was playing a joke on me. In any case, this morning, Zach claimed no recollection of the conversation last night. He proposed, as I have, that I was dreaming. Or, that I had been talking in my sleep, woken myself up, and roused Zach in the process, and his midnight urges of "Go back to sleep" were the only "real" thing he said.
In any case, I resolved to devote today to some Good Thought regarding this matter. I've no Thoughtful Spot, unfortunately, so decided I must go about my day, and just keep this incident on the back burner.
But, for some reason, I had trouble remembering details. My memories of the incident were enveloped in fog... details were jumbled, chaotic. Usually, such an inability to recall would leave me anxious and unnerved. But, today, it kind of tickled. The kind of good feeling that urges you to turn up at least one corner of your mouth and give a self-satisified (though entirely internalized) guffaw. You just don't feel right unless, at least to yourself, you admit, "This is all rather daft and silly." Go on, try it.
Anyway, I decided that, since I sometimes do my best thinking in the bathroom, my morning shower would shed some light on it all. Well, it didn't. Instead, I became incredibly groggy. Almost as foggy as my memories of the (alleged) conversation at around midnight last night. The next few tasks, including drying off, dressing, assembling my lunch, and so forth, went from "hum-drum and simple" to "extraordinary feats requiring as much gravitational pull as the Andromeda Galaxy." Perhaps I exaggerate a tad (but just a tad!), yet you get the idea. I somehow stumbled to the bus stop and crawled into lab.
Obviously, about an hour into this morning's work, a trip to the espresso stand downstairs became my sluggish cerebrum's top priority. Lurching down the hall, my bladder and my grey matter momentarily touched base, and decided that a second trip to a bathroom (remember, my best thinking can be done in bathrooms!) would be mutually beneficial to both organs. I still, after all, despite my near diseased state of unconsciousness, had to give some Good Thought to the (alleged) conversation/dreamlike state from last night.
Approaching the bathroom, however, Good Thought was derailed. I saw a sign posted by my employer advertising Friday, 20 May, as "Bike to Work Day." Good Thought Regarding (Alleged) Conversations was replaced by Good Thought Regarding Me and Bicycles. "Bike to Work Day" participants get free t-shirts for being environmentally friendly and willing to embrace "alternative transportation routes." I love free t-shirts.
But, as I painfully pointed out (to myself, and thankfully not out loud) in the bathroom: I haven't touched a bike in over twelve years.
I was (and remain) too foggy to recall all of the details regarding WHY?. Let's just rack it up to a combination of persistent childhood teasing from my peers and an overly-ambitious father. Yet, the result: no bike for James. Yeah, even in such a bike-heavy city like Seattle.
So, as I washed my hands, I thought not about the (alleged) conversation last night, but about how I felt robbed of a free t-shirt and water bottle (I forgot to mention that detail earlier), just because of some nose-picking rugrats in rural Illinois fourteen years ago. Plus, I already embrace "alternative, environmentally-friendly transportation": I take a bus daily that runs on electric power or reduced-pollutant gasoline!
I began to imagine my own t-shirt:
"I take a bus daily because I haven't used a bike in twelve years because I was different as a child and so I was teased."
Eh, it could use some trimming down. And need we say "because" twice in the same sentence?
"Since I was teased as a child as I rode my bike, I haven't used one in twelve years."
Better, but mention the bus before they envision you commuting down I-5 in an SUV.
"Your snot-nosed kids would tease me if I rode a bike. So would you ungrateful bastards, as a matter of fact. Get of my bus!"
Less rage. More substance. You're not a supervillian.
"I'm riding this bus because I was teased."
Better... but let's try-
Oops! Suddenly, I found that I'd reached the espresso stand! I quickly had to shelve my t-shirt plans. Two friends from a neighboring lab, S and C, apparently saw me stumbling and lurching down the hallway, amused at my near-sleepwalking habits of locomotion today. Luckily, they didn't suggest that it would've been better for me to take a bicycle. I probably would've cried.
S pointed out how tired I looked. I can only imagine what he saw. I explained to him, C, and the barista (A), about the dream/conversation I'd had with Zach last night. Entirely weirded out, they took Zach's stance, insisting that I'd been dreaming. I shrugged my shoulders in response, though inwardly vowing that I really had spoken to Zach, even if he'd only been urging me to go back to sleep.
Latte in hand, I began to stumble back up to lab, assuring myself that, once the caffeine coaxes its way through my veins, thinks will make much more sense.
And, you know what, by 9:30AM, I was right. I'd resolved to complain (mostly to myself) in only small doses regarding "Bike to Work Day." So what if I can't join the ultra-cool (and oftentimes ultra-hot) bikers in their morning commute next Friday? I'm more inclined to walk to places anyway, and am a huge fan of mass transit. Plus, the money that I don't spend purchasing and maintaining a bicycle (plus accessories) can someday be put towards a purchase that will really settle my soul and provide me with the ultimate Thoughtful Spot: a piano.
And the (alleged) conversation with Zach last night? Most likely, it was at least half a dream, and the rest was probably a conversation induced by my confusion, after either talking aloud or waking myself up. Poor Zach was probably scared out of his wits, but is used to waking up suddenly at night and urging me back to sleep. Perhaps he's so used to it that he forgot all about the incident, hence his memory lapse this morning.
I was about to ring him at work and inform him of my morning spent in Good Thought, when I realized that, during my two trips to the bathroom, I'd failed to zip my fly.
Posted by James at May 10, 2005 09:54 AM