Today, a local show on KUOW, Seattle's NPR station, focused on the phenomenon of friendships in the Seattle Freeze. My ears perked up, intrigued as I did not know what a Seattle Freeze was.
As it turns out, I do know. I just didn't know the term.
While I'm rather unfamiliar with large cities, I know enough to realize that Seattlites are, to say the least, unique. This is a city where, once when merging lanes on Interstate 5, a driver brought his car to a complete stop, and smiled and waved to let me in his lane. But, this is also a city where No One will ever eye contact with Anyone Else on the bus. It's a city where countless gather at the Solstice Parade to cheer on the nude, painted bikers (this weekend, folks!), but will gasp and recoil with horror when the stranger standing nearby inadvertently brushes his arm against his or her own. It's a city full of smiles and friendly greetings at the neighborhood coffee shop or bookstore, but devoid of conversation afterwards... where neighbors exchange warm greetings, but would rather die than stop by to borrow a cup of sugar.
The alleged Seattle Freeze describes this phenomenon: where, superficially, Seattlites are more warm and friendly than other cities but, where any and all feelings, thoughts, and opinions are buried deep and guarded better than Fort Knox. Thus, friendships in this town are notoriously difficult to form and foster.
Allegedly.
The call-in audience for the NPR program seemed about evenly split. Some railed against what they saw as yet another negative Seattlite stereotype. Others simply wondered how, in such a heterogeneous population (which actually isn't that heterogeneous, since fully three-quarters of Seattlites are white or well-to-do), such blanket assertions can be made. Others called in to sympathize with the Seattle Freeze, but confidently asserted that it never happened to them.
The other half, however, consisted largely of folks like myself. Young "professionals" (let's stop here and now to assert Thing One: I'm more of a hack than a professional - but I did graduate college) moving from What Was Once Home and making Seattle a home, knowing few (if any) upon arrival. And, years later, it's still largely the same situation - few, if any, friends.
Of course, this can't all be due to some strange Seattle Freeze if such a phenomenon exists. But, I must admit, I've found it extremely difficult to meet people, form friendships, and maintain them to a level of closeness I was used to in other places I've lived. Sure, I've met folks. Many have been friendly, and smiled followed with a friendly exchange of "Hello!" and an inquiry about my health. But, beyond that, I haven't been able to foster much else. There are a few good friends I'm proud to call my own, though most of these stem through my current job. In essence, my circle of friends is right back where I left it, in the midwest or on the east coast.
The Seattle Freeze, whatever it may be (if it "is" at all), is obviously not entirely to blame. This is hopefully evident for the few out there who know-me-so-well-that-it-scares-you. I'm a shy guy, so shy that, in a crowded room, I may be found cowering in the corner. I've also a history of being a bit passive when it comes to forming personal relationships. To look at the two most recent relationships I've had, in fact, they were in both cases friendships first. Friendships that were fostered, painstakingly, due in large part to the other guy. I came along for the ride. But, that said, I think I've done a pretty good job the past few years, particularly when it comes to stepping out of my shell. I've been a bit more open, warm, and friendly. I've even had bouts of Worthy Conversation with near-strangers, albeit laced with a good deal of stuttering/word-tripping, and internal monologues of "Oh-my-God-did-I-just-say-that?" Not to toot my own horn (oh hell, nevermind... I'll toot it), but I feel like I've put a relatively decent effort into forming a small circle of friends here in Seattle. Yet, with limited success.
Is it the Seattle Freeze? Is that to blame? To be honest, yes and no. I have noticed this phenomenon, slight and superficial though it may be at first. But, if it persists, it can be bothersome, and counterproductive in the Friendship Forming Department. Yet, I can't just blame Seattlites without looking to my own house, too. While I feel I'm not as much of a horror to get-to-know as I once was, particularly in high school, there are some gaping wounds in my interpersonal relationship skills that have yet to be addressed. For one thing, I have this horribly nasty habit of falling-out-of-touch. Sometimes, it's a geographic barrier: separated by distance, I get absorbed in my Own Little World a little too much. I hear this happens to some of you other primates there, too. Many of my more patient friends have recognize this quality and, much to my relief, chosen to forgive me for it. Of course, though, I sometimes allow this to happen to folks I'm not geographically separated from, too. In that case, an unholy and entirely unproductive combination of guilt, shame, and utter embarrassment keep me from trying to reestablish contact. Unfortunately, I can think of many instances where this has happened in Seattle, where developing friendships are abandoned, or well-developed ones just drift away. That personal defect, more than any other (I'm willing to bet), contributes to the smallness of my small flock of Seattle friends.
Perhaps, then, the dreaded Seattle Freeze phenomenon isn't the core cause of the difficulty I've had forming friendships in the past two years. The Freeze may not be involved at all, or may simply reinforce some of my more asocial tendencies. "You just wanna say hi and smile? FINE! I didn't want to talk with you anyway." *humpf* It's an odd quality, in both city and individual. But, I've lately been attempting active steps to combat it, even if only on a small scale. I've tried to patch up and re-foster friendships with a few folks who seem willing, and for whom I can lay my own guilt aside. I'm also seeing the start of graduate school this autumn as a grand opportunityto make connections, and actually Be Myself at the same time. Of course, these may just be pipe dreams, or small fixes with little hope of stemming the Seattle Freeze tide, but, here's the part where I sit back, put my feet up, and say, "Hell, I have to try. After all, you only live twice, and this may be my second round."
So, for any of you out there who once found me cold, strange, or just plain frustrating, please be patient. After all, Zach is.
In the meantime, if we see each other on the bus one morning, take heart: one day, one of us might overcome that deleterious combination of shyness and cultural taboo (read: Seattle Freeze), and buck up enough courage to do more than smile and nod.
And if it's you, I hope I'm receptive.
Posted by James at June 15, 2005 05:07 PM