Thursday, after my phone had what can only amount to as a dropped-it-one-too-many-times psychotic episode, I turned to Zach and said, "I need to get a new phone this weekend."
Granted, upon moving to Seattle some two-and-a-half years ago, I'd chosen the cheapest (read: free) phone available with my plan. So, as anyone knows who's tried to call me for the past two-and-a-half years, I get what I paid for - poor signal, archaic number system, dull keypad. But, for the most part, it served the purpose of a phone: dial a number, talk to person. That's all I wanted.
But, I guess they don't make phones like that anymore.
Saturday morning, we ventured to my local mobile provider...
We enter...
Twelve cheerful employees simultaneously: "Hello and welcome! How can we serve you today!"
As many of you might recall, groups larger than four or five tend to give me the willies. But, I resisted the urge to run screaming back out into the street, and instead marvelled at how a technology shop barely bigger than my living room could harbor twelve employees prepared to tackle a couple of gay guys who happen to walk in on a Saturday morning.
I walked up to the one nearest to me, a spritely youth who looked like she used several illegal substances to make her spritely:
Me: "Uh... I need a new phone."
Her: "Okay!"
pregnant pause
Her: "What sort of features do you want?"
Me: "Features?"
Apparently, phones are now used to e-mail, organize data, play music, grill tuna steaks, and file your taxes.
I wouldn't be surprised if coronary bypass features are also an option.
Me: "Uh... I want a phone that will... you know... just let me call people..."
Her: "No cameras, palm pilots, or instant messaging?"
Me: "No... I have a camera already?"
(When I get really confused, I make statements in question form.)
Her: "Do you want speaker phone?"
Me: "Uh... Yes?"
Her: "Here's a nice model that comes cheap if you renew your contract with us for two years."
(Finally! Words I can understand!)
Her: "And it comes in all of these colors."
Me: "Blue, too?!?!"
Her: "Yes, blue as well."
Me: "Then this is awesome! I'll take it!"
Her: "Oh, well we also have a model upgrade that comes with a camera and expanded keypad just over here..."
Me: "No, I want this one."
Her: "Or, you can change your number and I can bring the cost down further."
Me: "No, I need to keep my number. Ring me up for a blue one."
Her: "Are you sure you don't want our palm pilot feature?"
Me: "Just a blue phone with speaker."
Her: "Any other colors?"
At this point, I was ready to cry. Especially since my primitive brain had only fixated on the phone's color, and I had taken visual cues from Zach on the other features she'd tried to pass my way. A half hour later, after both she and her manager had tried to sell us the Shroud of Turin, I finally walked out of there with my brand new blue "flip" phone.
An hour after that, I was horrified to discover that I loathe all of the ringer options.
Posted by James at November 13, 2005 10:47 AM